It’s not you, it’s me.
I’ve noticed in my previous relationships that I tend to jitter about the three month mark. It’s the turning point from a fun flirty early stages where everything is great and new and exciting, to where things become much more serious but also ‘real’. And I’m sorry to say blog but at nearly 3 months in we’re reaching that point. I need to figure out what I want and I’m starting to consider whether ours was merely a summer romance or if we have a long term future together.
Sure, you’ve provided me with some great times. Brilliant times. The love I received when I announced you to the world was overwhelming and made me feel so warm, fuzzy and loved. And this was in spite of the fact I was sat at home with a screaming, nap striking baby in the obligatory new mum uniform of sick stained breton top, too tight jeans, topped off by greasy, unwashed hair.
I’ve been approached by strangers online and in the real world who tell me how much they love you. And you know that you have been a real hit with my friends and family. I fondly remember the first time ‘proper’ bloggers like ‘Honest Mum’ and ‘Cuddle Fairy’ retweeted you. Each time was met with squeals of joy and franctic texts to everyone I know. When I was the featured blogger on Pick & Mix Fridays not once, but TWICE, well I went into total meltdown and cue many more frantic texts. We’ve had some good times together and part of me things this is just the start.
But blog, I have to be honest you have your downsides too. Firstly, you’re just so time consuming. My house is a bombsite, the cupboards are bare and the baby desperately needs some winter clothes. Plus, now she’s dropping down to just one nap it’s looking like I’m going to have even less time to devote to you. Writing a post takes me ages, but it’s only because I want to do you justice. Linkies, comments, twitter and all the other social media faff are all elements that that I need to do but just don’t have the time to give you the attention you deserve.
Also, and this is a biggy, but I’m uneasy about how much I want to share with you, blog, and by proxy the wider world. Part of me things this is ridiculous – after all who on earth is going to be interested in little old me. A pretty tiny audience I reckon (hi mum!), so what am I worried about? I’ve repeatedly said I never set out for this to be a baby blog and so I’m just not sure how I feel about broadcasting pictures of Matilda online. There are weirdos out there. Then again there are nice and normal people and I know it gives them joy to see the Tildabeast in action, especially as we live so far away from our families and have friends scattered around the globe. And let’s be honest there’s no escaping the fact I’m a ridiculously proud mum and I want to share the highs, and some of the lows, with all and sundry.
I just can’t escape the fact that it bothers me that she doesn’t get a say in all of this and that she will probably be mortified by all that I write and photograph. I can rationalise this by thinking, well I come from a long line of embarrassing parents (hi dad!). I do need to accept that I will definitely be an embarrassment to Matilda. I find myself embarrassing so that one’s inevitable. And as I have discovered being the child of embarrassing parents teaches you a sense of humour and sturdy sense of resilience if nothing else…
Also I need to remember times have changed and Matilda is of the internet generation. Everything is heading online and this will be her norm, so having an internet savvy mum might be an asset to her upbringing and a good way to teach her about online safety, to ignore trolls and that internet bullies are sadly far too common and the most cowardly of all Losers (with a capital L!). But blog, all this is presuming that we stay together super long term of course….
Blog, on balance I think we will try and work through this and let’s try and stay together. I’m glad I’ve got these things off my chest. It’s helped me clarify where we are. I am not going to get stressed about blogging on a weekly basis. After all my one night pass blog, The Unmummsy Mum’s posts are few and far between, but pure gold (obviously I need to work on the latter point…) and so what if my social media numbers are low. Scandalous, but I don’t even like social media that much anyway. And so what if you see less of Matilda than you do already? You’re my hobby after all. You’ve got to work for me.